Fears I Won't Confront

Yes folks, I am completely avoiding an aspect of my financial portfolio, because I'm afraid of what I'm going to find. I can deal with the 4% decline in the value of my 401k this year..... not TOO bad, considering what is going on in the market. However, I don't think that I can deal with seeing the amount I've lost in my stock portfolio :(

I can't bring myself to even log in to my brokerage account. The number is going to be so ridiculously low, that I don't even want to know what it is. I'm just considering it to be money that I don't have anymore :(

**DISCLAIMER** Everything mentioned below in regards to investing or to the specific companies in my portfolio is an OPINION, and not an expert one, at that!

It all started last summer after I received a bonus from my employer, and since I already had a lot of money invested in CDs at various banks, I wanted to diversify. Plus they always tell you to invest in stocks when you're young and have a more aggressive investment strategy- 60% stocks, 40% bonds is what they say. So, I set up a brokerage account and wired in some cash. At first it was a lot of fun! Pick companies that I like and BAM! I own part of it! The market was on a steady rise in August, so I felt like a rock star every time I looked at my portfolio and saw all of the green numbers (indicating a positive change). This inspired me to invest even more, until eventually I had invested $27,500. In hindsight, I acknowledge that my purchases were driven emotionally, and not based on sound financial research. I missed a lot of important metrics such as price/earning ratios, expected growth, earnings margins, etc. which is probably why the bulk of my portfolio has declined. I knew that I should study those numbers, I just... didn't.

My holdings, in order of purchase:

*A Gold exchange-traded-fund (ETF) (Ticker: GLD), partly as a hedge, as commodities will rise when the dollar decreases in value, and also just because I believe in the value of semi-rare metals.

*Celanese Corporation (CE), the chemical company that my grandfather worked for, just to be loyal. My grandma owns a lot of it, and so it gives us something extra to chat about :)

*Cheesecake Factory (CAKE), because that place is ALWAYS busy, even at odd times of the day! I have never gone there and not had to wait for a table, so that must mean that they are rolling in the dough, right? Apparently not....

*Chipotle Mexican Grill (CMG), because the stock looked unstoppable, rising 1-5% a week on occasion! I wanted to get in before I lost my opportunity.

*GOOGLE! (GOOG) One day they will own the world, I am convinced of that fact. Shareholders used to agree with me; now, not so much. Even at $700/share, I thought it was cheap.

*Brazil (EWZ) and India (INP) ETFs also partly as a hedge against US dollar-denominated assets, but also as a view on rising emerging market players. Brazil has become an active player in the global markets, even having developed its own trading exchanges. India is embracing microfinance and I think that it will earn itself a secure place in the global markets, in time.

*Under Armour (UA), my favorite brand of performance wear, and they have recently acquired exclusive contracts with almost every major league sports franchise to supply their uniforms and gear. This has to pay off, right?

*Lastly, but not least.... Citigroup (C) One of my colleagues used to work for Citigroup and thought their stock was really cheap, so he bought a boat-load of it. I and a few of my colleagues who discuss our stock trades decided to go into the trade with him... unfortunately.


SIGH. Big, long, loud SIGH. What went wrong? Well, a few things. August through October, when I bought most of my stock holdings, was a cheery time in the markets. Subprime woes were being mitigated, banks were staying afloat, and everyone was enjoying long weekends at the beach or watching baseball games. Everyone was HAPPY!

Then, gas prices finally began to affect the consumer, and fewer people were driving to go out to eat (Cheesecake Factory or Chipotle, anyone?) or buying retail goods if it wasn't absolutely necessary (Under Armour). Then, banks started writing down their portfolios of mortgages and other stuff no one wanted to buy, and so my Citigroup stock sank like a ship (my colleague still thinks it's cheap and will buy more if it goes below $10/share). My emerging market plays have held in, and Celanese and gold have risen a bit since I bought them, but as they were my first purchases, I bought a lot less of them than of the other stocks I own, since I was just dipping my toes in to start. As I became more confident in my stock trading, the number of shares I purchased increased, as well, and so my later purchases tend to be my biggest ones.

I'm afraid that I've lost more than 1/3 of my investment. I know that I should cut my losses at some point, and I know that somehow they're tax deductible (but not clear exactly on the specifics), but part of me just wants to hold on and wait for the market to correct itself before evaluating the fate of my holdings. In the meantime, as I said, I'm too fearful to log in to my account and face the truth.

Thus, if I ever do a "net worth analysis" on my blog, it will probably not include whatever pennies are left in my brokerage account.

:(